


i wanna see your face and know i've made it home

by terushous



Series: captainy shenanigans [4]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Crying, Fluff and Angst, Guilt, M/M, Multi, Nail Polish, Polyamory, References to Depression, Surprises, akaashi keiji does have emotions tyvm, bokuto and kuroo graduate, kenma is a baddie, mentions of iwaoi and terushou, mentions of pretty setters and next gen captains gc, omg i forgot how to tag, tfw u miss ur bfs :(, uhhh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-14
Updated: 2020-04-14
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:16:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,331
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23654473
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/terushous/pseuds/terushous
Summary: Keiji had never thought that he would miss them this much.Sure, the thought had been scary - terrifying, debilitating - at first, but Koutarou was right; they would only be a couple hours away. They would call as often as they could, they had said, and while Keiji knew how hard that would be (since their majors were going to be stressful and of course they would both want to join the volleyball team, and their new college friends, and parties, and, and, and) he had smiled understandingly, feeling Kenma’s hand squeeze around his tighter.But he didn’t think it would hurt like it did.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou/Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou
Series: captainy shenanigans [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/592579
Comments: 16
Kudos: 265





	i wanna see your face and know i've made it home

**Author's Note:**

> hey you guys!!
> 
> so quarantine got me hardcore grinding on kuguri's angsty backstory for this series but then it made me sad so i wanted to write some bokuakakuroken to make myself feel better but uh
> 
> anyway where was i going with this
> 
> i've had this idea in my head for a looooong time - so here it is!! 
> 
> just a lil warning tho: it's never explicitly stated that kenma has depression but his symptoms are similar so please be safe!! also, there is a small mention of him not eating for a few days, but nothing too serious. either way, if that triggers you, please be careful!!
> 
> the title is from painting flowers by all time low
> 
> enjoy!!

_“We’ll just be a few hours away, okay?”_

Keiji felt his heart seize at the mere memory, and tears came to his eyes against his will. 

_“We’ll call you every day, we’ll talk all the time, you’ll probably be begging us to leave you alone…”_

It wasn’t their fault, but they didn’t call every day. And despite all Keiji said or did, he never wanted them to leave him alone. Kenma didn’t either.

_“Hey, are you okay, gorgeous?”_

Tetsurou’s voice as he used the pet name was probably one of the most painful things that Keiji had ever experienced, especially when it was paired with Koutarou’s dejected, worrying gaze. 

Keiji never wanted them to worry about him.

_“I’m fine.”_

^^^

Keiji had never thought that he would miss them this much.

Sure, the thought had been scary - _terrifying, debilitating_ \- at first, but Koutarou was right; they would only be a couple of hours away. They would call as often as they could, they had said, and while Keiji knew how hard that would be (since their majors were going to be stressful and _of course_ they would both want to join the volleyball team, and their new college friends, and parties, and, and, _and_ ) he had smiled understandingly, feeling Kenma’s hand squeeze around his tighter.

But he didn’t think it would _hurt_ like it did.

Maybe it was the times at practice when he would slip up, setting to their outside hitter and accidentally calling out a rushed “Bokuto-san!” only for their new ace to look at him like he was crazy; or when the days would pass by without any situations that had him rolling his eyes but left his heart warm; or when he would stress over homework and being captain and keeping his first and second years out of trouble but no one would show up on his doorstep with chocolates and a bouquet of flowers and _that stupid smirk and messy hair that had no business looking so good -_

Was he being selfish? He guessed it was like that thing his mother always told him when he was younger, that you don’t recognize you have a good thing until it’s gone. 

Or maybe he was just being overdramatic, because it’s not like they were _gone_ gone, just, not there physically. This happened to relationships all the time; he could name plenty of others who had to separate due to graduation or other things. 

Like Oikawa, whom Keiji had gotten to know in their setters’ chat. He was going to a _completely_ different university than his boyfriend, who he had basically never been separated from for more than a few days. 

Or Terushima, from their so-called “next-gen captains” chat. He and his boyfriend, Daishou Suguru, had always lived about five hours away from each other, and were now in totally different stages of their life. At least Keiji had gotten to see plenty of Tetsurou and Koutarou before they left for university.

What was he complaining for? His brain was screaming at him to not be so affected, to not let it bother him, that people had it worse and he should _get over it_ -

But then there was his heart, which kept reminding him of the way that Koutarou’s eyes lit up when he smiled, or how Tetsurou always knew just what to say to get him out of a rut. It reminded him of the times where he had gotten too into his head, but he hadn’t wanted to bother anyone, and Koutarou had climbed up the side of his house like a goddamn fairytale prince to attempt to make him feel better. It couldn’t stop him from thinking about the gentleness of Tetsurou’s touches or his voice when he whispered _“I’m here, Keiji. I’m not going anywhere.”_

Keiji missed them. He missed them _so much._

But he’d rather die before letting them find out, because then they’d be worried about him, and when they were worried, they did stupid, admirable things, like coming to visit him on weekends or skipping classes for a week so they could sit around and eat ice cream and watch bad documentaries on Netflix.

So he kept quiet. 

^^^

“He hasn’t come to practice in three days.”

Shouhei didn’t talk much, but when he did, it was meaningful. Keiji felt his heart break a little more at the words.

“Both Tora and I have called him, but he won’t answer, even though I _know_ he’s on his phone. And when we went over there to check on him, his mom said that he didn’t want to see anyone.”

Keiji’s chest seized with guilt. He hadn’t even realized… 

“All I’m saying is, Lev’s going stir crazy. He was already a mess without Yaku-san, but now I’m sure he’s about to stage a mutiny. Talk to him?”

Keiji nodded, muttering a “yeah” before hanging up the phone. He felt so _stupid._ So _selfish._ Kenma was his boyfriend, too, and he was going through the exact same thing as Keiji, except maybe even worse because Tetsurou had been a constant presence for him not just in high school, but from when they were just children. 

He and Kenma had always had an easy relationship. Keiji felt as if Kenma understood him on a spiritual level, for the most part. They had clicked easily once Koutarou had suggested the whole _“how ‘bout we all date each other?’_ thing, mainly bonding over the older two’s antics that caused them to blink in confusion, then sigh in disappointment.

Sometimes, their relationship got a little tense, especially because they were both competitive by nature. They were also _slightly_ passive-aggressive, which Oikawa always told them in the chat when they would have their spats. But it was nothing like Keiji was with Tetsurou, who he hadn’t even really _liked_ in the beginning, because if Keiji was fire then Tetsurou was kerosene and he always knew exactly which buttons to push, which annoyed Keiji _to no end._

But despite everything, Keiji loved them with all his heart, and knowing that Kenma was hurting and Keiji hadn’t even _realized…_

He didn’t think he’d ever forgive himself.

He’d gone over to Kenma’s house right away, and by the time he knocked on the door, he already had an elaborate apology planned. Kenma’s mother opened the door and her expression softened into a smile when she saw that it was Keiji.

“Keiji-kun,” she said. “I assume you’re here to see Kenma?”

Keiji had always loved Kenma’s mother. She was the embodiment of all of Kenma’s best qualities - his intelligence, ambition, and creativity, to name just a few - and she always treated Keiji, Tetsurou, and Koutarou like they were her sons, too. There was a hint of worry behind her kind eyes that Keiji noticed, though, so he put on a respectful smile that his own stringent mother had always insisted upon when he spoke to his elders.

“Yes, I am. I heard that he hasn’t been at school or volleyball practice for a couple of days?”

Kenma’s mother nodded, opening the door wider to allow Keiji to step into the house. “I’m sure Shouhei and Taketora told you?” At Keiji’s nod, she sighed a bit, then lowered her voice. “He hasn’t been doing too well since Tetsurou left for college. The past few days, he’s barely been eating anything. He says he doesn’t want to talk to anyone, but maybe you can get through to him.”

Keiji knew that despite Kenma’s mother not fully understanding the nature of their relationship, she respected that they were all there for each other, at the very least. It was better than his own mother’s opinion, but, then again, she wasn’t around enough to judge.

Keiji nodded. “If he wants to see me, that is.” Kenma’s mother chuckled. “Oh, please. He’s always happy to see you. C’mon, I’ll walk you to his room.”

When they reached Kenma’s room, his mother gave a soft knock on the door. There was a quiet noise of acknowledgment from inside, and Kenma’s mother opened the door to poke her head in and say, “Keiji’s here to see you, honey.”

“Okay,” Kenma responded simply. His mother smiled at Keiji before leaving them be. When Keiji stepped into the room, he saw his boyfriend wrapped up in blankets, the hood of his sweater pulled over his head. Upon further inspection, though, Keiji believed that it was actually Tetsurou’s sweater. Kenma’s small hands were clutching his PSP as he pressed the buttons with a blank look. The blinds over his windows were drawn, so Keiji stepped over and opened them to let some natural light in.

Kenma glared at him, but there was no heat behind it. “What are you doing here?”

“What, I can’t check on my boyfriend?” Keiji questioned, lacing his fingers together in front of his waist. Kenma glanced up at him again, then looked down to the empty spot next to him on the bed. “You can sit, if you want,” he said before turning his attention fully back to his game. Keiji did, and while he had never been the best at video games - that was more Koutarou’s thing - he enjoyed watching Kenma play them.

“How are you?” Keiji asked quietly. Kenma shrugged. “Fine.” 

“Shouhei’s worried about you,” Keiji tried again. “Taketora, too. Why’ve you been skipping practice?”

“Didn’t feel like going,” Kenma replied curtly. 

He didn’t seem like he wanted to talk, which was something that Keiji knew well. Koutarou would get like this sometimes, but it was usually short-lived and easy to fix. Tetsurou would stop talking when he was truly upset about something, but that usually passed after a lot of pacing and forced discussion because he was _terrible_ with feelings. Kenma’s silences were different, though. He wasn’t a talkative person by nature, and when he was upset, even more so. Keiji couldn’t make him talk about his feelings like he could with Tetsurou, or say something optimistic and inspiring like he could to Koutarou; if he tried that with Kenma, then he would be more closed-off.

So Keiji waited. He didn’t say anything for a while, just watched Kenma play his game, basking in his boyfriend’s unnatural and frankly breathtaking beauty. After about ten minutes, Kenma leaned into him, getting comfortable, and Keiji wrapped his arm around the boy’s shoulders. After twenty more minutes, in a voice barely above a whisper, Kenma said, “It’s harder to… do things without him. He was always the one…”

Then, he fell silent again, and Keiji waited, simply humming in acknowledgment. 

“It sounds stupid, I know,” he continued after a few minutes. “But… he always used to be there. Now he’s not.” Kenma sighed after saying it, putting down his PSP after his character died. He cuddled further into Keiji’s chest. “I keep expecting to turn around and just… see him.”

Keiji nodded in understanding. “That’s not stupid,” he said, absentmindedly playing with Kenma’s hair, since he knew it always calmed him down. 

Kenma sighed. “Sorry for bothering you with all this. I know… I know you’ve been upset about them, too, and I shouldn’t be such a baby…” Keiji shook his head immediately. “No, Kenma, don’t worry about things like that,” he said, gently moving to look into the other boy’s golden eyes. They were bloodshot - either from lack of sleep or crying, Keiji wasn’t sure, but neither option made the knot in his stomach feel any better. “Babe, I’m here for you. We’ll help each other through this,” he said, smiling softly. 

Kenma blinked at him, then looked away. He swallowed, shutting his eyes. “I can’t… I - every time they call I just wanna break down into tears but I _can’t,_ and it’s -” He paused, taking a deep, shaky breath. “Hey, Kenma, it’s okay, I understand -” Keiji began to say, but Kenma shook his head. “N-No you don’t. He’s my _best friend,_ Keiji! He was the one person I could go to with anything and now he’s - h-he’s…” 

Keiji nodded, letting Kenma fall back into his arms. The other setter soon began to tremble with sobs and Keiji bit his lip to stop his own. He had to keep it together now, not just for himself, but for Kenma. 

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have -” Kenma started to say, but Keiji shushed him gently. “It’s okay, I know,” he whispered. After a few minutes, after Kenma’s sobs quieted, for the most part, he sniffled and looked up at Keiji, a blank look on his face. “I can’t believe this, they got me cryin’ like a little bitch,” he said, wiping his cheeks. Keiji laughed, helping him.

“Are you okay?” Kenma asked him after a couple of minutes. 

Keiji nodded. “Yeah, I’m fine.”

Kenma raised an eyebrow, studying Keiji’s expression, which he was trying really hard to keep unassuming. Kenma saw right through it, though, as he always seemed to, and leaned his head on Keiji’s chest with a hum.

“If you don’t wanna talk about it, that’s okay, but I’m here to listen if you need it.”

And despite everything in Keiji’s screaming that he was _fine,_ he wouldn’t put all of this on Kenma, his heart immediately let everything go when seeing the genuine anxiety in Kenma’s beautiful eyes. He told him everything and Kenma listened, not saying anything but holding Keiji’s hand through most of it and moving to sit on his lap absentmindedly. 

Which was, coincidentally, exactly what Keiji needed, because the stress fell from his body in waves and Kenma was there with him, withstanding all of them.

Kenma had gotten out a bottle of dark green nail polish and was allowing Keiji to paint his nails - which, thank god for Kenma because Keiji had honestly forgotten how stress-relieving doing someone else’s nails was - when Kenma’s mother knocked on the door. Both boys muttered “come in” under their breath, but that was about it, because Keiji would be damned if he messed up this manicure.

The door opened, and Keiji almost messed up the manicure, because -

“Ooh, are we playing spa? I call next!”

Kenma looked up slowly at the voice, then a smile broke out across his features. Keiji turned, feeling his heartbeat get faster, and -

There they were, Koutarou and Tetsurou, looking way too handsome to be legal and, _yep,_ those were tears coming to Keiji’s eyes as he screwed the top back on the bottle of nail polish before practically jumping into Koutarou’s awaiting arms. Kenma got up as well, being careful of his freshly painted nails, and ran to Tetsurou. Both setters could tell that their boyfriends were surprised at the amount of affection they were receiving right now, but they knew better than to question it, because if they did, then Keiji and Kenma would immediately stop because _ew, no, stop being so full of yourself._

“What are you doing here?” Keiji asked, looking up at both of his boyfriends. Koutarou smiled. _“Well,_ we got word from a super-secret source that two someone’s _missed_ us,” he said. Tetsurou nodded, adding a “yes, very secret.” “And what kind of boyfriends would we be if we didn’t come and surprise you guys?” Koutarou continued, looking quite pleased with himself.

Keiji couldn’t even be mad. He pressed his lips to Koutarou’s lips suddenly, relishing in the wing spiker’s blush when he pulled away. “Oh, uh - wow, uh -” he stuttered eloquently. Tetsurou raised an eyebrow, then looked down at Kenma. “Any sugar for me, kitten?” Kenma shook his head, then kissed Koutarou’s still beet-red cheek. Koutarou let out a laugh. “Guess I get all the lovin’! We didn’t need you anyway, Tetsu,” he said, winking. Tetsurou pouted, then pretended to sniffle, turning away.

“I did not expect this kind of rejection today - from my own boyfriends, no less!” Keiji rolled his eyes, while Kenma just stared blankly at him. Only Koutarou looked genuinely saddened by his words. 

“C’mere, you drama queen,” Kenma said eventually, pulling Tetsurou in for a kiss. 

Just a few minutes later, they had settled on Kenma’s bed, Kenma sitting between Koutarou’s legs and focusing on his PSP again while Koutarou whispered advice to him, even getting him to laugh a couple of times. Keiji was straddling Tetsurou’s waist, focusing on painting his nails a dark shade of purple, his tongue poked between his lips.

“So, who is this _super-secret source_ who told you that we missed you guys?” Keiji asked, looking up at Tetsurou, who smirked. “But Keiji, if I tell you, then they won’t be a super secret anymore.” Keiji pouted, relishing in the way that Tetsurou’s gaze fell to his lips immediately. “I’m just curious,” he said. Tetsurou sighed with a smile. “Well, there’s technically two. Fukunaga-kun texted me about Kenma, and Teru said that you seemed different in the captains’ chat.” Then, that damn smirk crossed his face again, and Keiji would die before admitting that it made his heart beat a little faster.

“You mad?” He asked.

“Not right now,” Keiji decided, before turning his attention back to his boyfriend’s nails.

^^^

It still wasn’t the easiest thing in the world after that, since inevitably, Koutarou and Tetsurou had to leave and go back to school. Tetsurou made Kenma promise that he would make an effort for practice and classes, and if he truly didn’t feel like it, then he would tell Keiji or one of them to talk about what he was feeling. Kenma had looked down, pulled the sleeves of his hoodie over his hands, and rolled his eyes just a little bit; but he nodded nonetheless. Koutarou had hugged him and Kenma a grand total of ten times each before leaving, then also hugged Tetsurou five times for good measure. 

There were times after that when Keiji still felt his heart hurt because he missed seeing them, missed being able to be around them, missed their energy. There were times when Kenma was quiet for a few days before Keiji would visit and they would cuddle until they fell asleep. There were times when Keiji would feel tears burn the backs of his eyes when they facetimed, because Koutarou was either smiling so brightly or Tetsurou was laughing loudly at one of their stupid jokes, and he wished that he could be there with them. 

Then, there were the times when Koutarou called him late at night, his voice broken as he told Keiji how much he missed him, how much he couldn’t handle all this on his own; how much he _loved_ Tetsurou and Kenma but he just needed to hear Keiji’s voice. Keiji always felt his heart break a little at that, but he couldn’t say that, because he knew that one of Koutarou’s weaknesses was being afraid to make the people he loved upset, so he just listened and talked him through it. There were times when they were talking that Tetsurou would be quieter than usual, which was when Keiji and Kenma knew that something was wrong. They would make him spill what was wrong, and he would begrudgingly get serious and tell them about how he felt drained all the time because of school, and volleyball, and everything.

But then there were the good times, when Koutarou and Tetsurou would come back for breaks. When they would go into great detail about when Keiji and Kenma graduated, and all the things they would do together. When Tetsurou would demand they have at home spa day and they would put on face masks and relaxing music and Keiji would paint everyone’s nails. When Koutarou would hold up a volleyball without any words, simply buzzing with excitement, and they would play a two-on-two outside Tetsurou’s house like they used to. 

Keiji hadn’t known at first how he was going to deal with them leaving. But, he soon realized, his boyfriends would never let him forget that they were there, and no matter what happened, they weren’t going anywhere.

**Author's Note:**

> eek lemme know if you liked this?? i've found i really like writing kenma wow. 
> 
> love y'all, stay safe!! xxx


End file.
